Sunday, October 09, 2011

Mostly I'm ok....

But today, I want my life back. I want my husband, my best friend. I want my old apartment with my roofdeck. I want my job back. I want to see Marlon every weekend and drink the coffee she made for Sunil and I while we slept an extra 20 minutes. I want to wake up with someone that I love next to me.

It's been a year and a half, shouldn't I be over all this by now?

I thought having a new apartment in a new neighborhood would help me to move on. But somedays I don't want to move on. My life has not gotten better since Sunil died. It's continued to challenge me to the breaking point. And tonight, I'm breaking. With Sunil alive, I had someone to face the challenges in life with. Now I have to face them alone and I'm not doing well.

In a perfect world Sunil would still be here, we would still have our routine and our love and our friendship and I wouldn't be having this moment. But it's not a perfect world. This world is tough and it doesn't give a damn what you go through, it just keeps moving on, whether you are ready or not.
Some days I'm not ready to keep moving on...

I hope to meet someone who can be my best friend again, someday. Someone who I can take on this cruel unforgiving world with and concur it. Someone who will listen to me vent, who will eat Chinese food in pajamas with me. Who supports me in my ambitions and me in theirs. Who will let me be crabby without judgement. Someone to be silly with. I miss having a best friend and a mate. I don't do well solo. I'm better in a partnership and I lost that on May 1, 2010. I'm afraid its gone forever.

Thank you for listening. I just needed to put these words out to the world in hopes maybe good karma will come my way. I'm still waiting for it. I wonder if Karma knows I moved to Brooklyn?


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