Saturday, July 24, 2010

Missing Sunil...

It's hard to put into words what it is like to lose your best friend. I've never experienced anything quite like it. Sunil and I talked constantly, if we couldn't talk we would text. Such as:
"You should see what this lady is wearing on the train! :O"
"My boss is in a bad mood"
"We need cat litter"
"What should we have for dinner?"
"I rooooooo" (translated means, "I love you")
A constant dialog going all hours of the day and night. When he would be working a show in the evening and I was home, I got a play by play of what his work day was like.
I am missing that sooooo much. I miss having him be the last person I talk to before I go to sleep. I miss waking up to the text messaging beep at 1 AM to tell me he was on his way home. I miss calling him and hearing his voice when he stayed in New York and I came back to Minnesota to visit.

I've been having terrible dreams. It is really causing unrestful sleep. I dream about 10 different ways for Sunil to die, all with the same anxiety and emotion of real life. I'm constantly reliving those last days of me knowing he is close to death and him fighting for his life. I even had an anxiety dream that he left me, except it was for another woman instead of the afterlife. My dreams are plenty, and none of them good.

I often wonder where the "guilt" is coming from. I'm filled with it. Guilt that I didn't do enough. That I was mean to him when he was trying to take his pills and he couldn't anymore. That I didn't save him some how. That I didn't tell him he was going to die. He told me one night when I got sad and weepy that he was trying to get better, that it takes baby steps to heal. He breathed his last breath thinking there was going to be another... If I could just talk to him now and make sure he is ok. I took care of him for so long, that the unknown, that is the hardest. Does he forgive me for getting frustrated at his illness? Is he happy now? Does he know how much I miss him?

Ugh, so sorry for such a depressing and crappy post... Just needed to work some things out. Maybe by writing things down I can start to have some peace. Maybe.


Becky said...

Sending my love and hugs. I know you will find the strength to get through this, and Sunil will find a way to tell you that what you did was enough.

Anonymous said...

Mandi -- I can't begin to tell you how thankful my family and I are for everything you did for Sunil. Nobody else doubts that you did your best, that most of us couldn't have been as strong of a caregiver as you were through all the hard times. Many of us admire you for the way you dealt with everything.
Having said that, hope you feel better.


Anonymous said...

Dear Mandi
We all feel that you have done the "bestest" for Sunil. We really appreciate all that you have done to take care of him in such difficult circumstances while your loved one was going to leave you forever.You have been a wonderful caregiver and Sunil was sure lucky to have you with him in his most difficult moments. We all appreciate the way you have taken care of him and to see that he leads as normal a life as possible and trying to give him hope all the time> That is the best thing one could wish for in a spouse.
So now do take care of yourself and be rest assured that Sunil is at peace knowing that you did your best ,will always love him and miss him.Love Hemapachi

Anonymous said...

Dearest Mandi,
There are not enough words to express my appreciation and gratitude to you, for being a part of Sunil's life and mine. Sunil was the luckiest, to have been able to spend those years with you. He has attained eternal peace knowing that you did everything possible to make it the best years of his life. I know that with time, you will find peace and strength to accept this and to move on and find the happiness you so rightly deserve.

Be happy in the moment - that's enough. Each moment is all we need - not more. - Mother Teresa

With lots of love and hugs,