Saturday, July 24, 2010

Missing Sunil...

It's hard to put into words what it is like to lose your best friend. I've never experienced anything quite like it. Sunil and I talked constantly, if we couldn't talk we would text. Such as:
"You should see what this lady is wearing on the train! :O"
"My boss is in a bad mood"
"We need cat litter"
"What should we have for dinner?"
"I rooooooo" (translated means, "I love you")
A constant dialog going all hours of the day and night. When he would be working a show in the evening and I was home, I got a play by play of what his work day was like.
I am missing that sooooo much. I miss having him be the last person I talk to before I go to sleep. I miss waking up to the text messaging beep at 1 AM to tell me he was on his way home. I miss calling him and hearing his voice when he stayed in New York and I came back to Minnesota to visit.

I've been having terrible dreams. It is really causing unrestful sleep. I dream about 10 different ways for Sunil to die, all with the same anxiety and emotion of real life. I'm constantly reliving those last days of me knowing he is close to death and him fighting for his life. I even had an anxiety dream that he left me, except it was for another woman instead of the afterlife. My dreams are plenty, and none of them good.

I often wonder where the "guilt" is coming from. I'm filled with it. Guilt that I didn't do enough. That I was mean to him when he was trying to take his pills and he couldn't anymore. That I didn't save him some how. That I didn't tell him he was going to die. He told me one night when I got sad and weepy that he was trying to get better, that it takes baby steps to heal. He breathed his last breath thinking there was going to be another... If I could just talk to him now and make sure he is ok. I took care of him for so long, that the unknown, that is the hardest. Does he forgive me for getting frustrated at his illness? Is he happy now? Does he know how much I miss him?

Ugh, so sorry for such a depressing and crappy post... Just needed to work some things out. Maybe by writing things down I can start to have some peace. Maybe.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I blew stuff up for the 4th of July

This is my Dad, Craig.

My dad has been buggin' Sunil and I to come up on the 4th of July for his annual BBQ. He says they always have sooo much fun buying fireworks and lighting them off all night. So, Sunil and I talked about going to MN for this 4th.

I made it back to MN two days before the festivities with a car full of fireworks I picked up on the way. Dad bought a bunch of fireworks and his neighbor had hundreds of items to blow up. It was AWESOME!!!! The best part about the night was that NO ONE GOT BURNED! :) There were sparks flying, things exploding, and people throwing little firecrackers at each other's feet. Smokey the Bear would have had a heart attack watching the irresponsibility of the grown ups that night. About 1 AM the 4 wheel drive tucks came out as well as the tracker. Drivin' through my Dad's land at too high of speed narrowly avoiding the trees. Dad even got stuck on his swamp rode! It was funny. On my way to go see Dad stuck and make fun of him, I fell in a big mud pit and face planted in swamp water. yup, swamp water. Who's laughing now? :)

We all slept, a little, and got up the next morning to look at the carnage. Paper and cardboard everywhere. My fav was finding the fireworks that didn't go off and throwing them in the fire!

So Dad was right. His Fourth of July BBQ was great. Becky, my step-mom, set it up awesome and made sure everyone was fed. They were both great hosts!

Here are some pictures, mostly of how dirty we all got from running around the land and falling in swamp holes! :

Jamie and Greg Looking pretty.

Scott, Jake and Andy before the dirty night got crazy...their shirts were grey and brown by the end of the night.

Jamie and I decided to go out in the swamp... The boys took that opportunity to fire bottle rockets us. Luckily they were horrible at it...

My awesome step-mom Becky with our family friend Dave in the background.

Charlie and Barb on the tractor

Jamie, Best Friend since the 5th grade.
Jake the next morning... His head hurt... Huh, I wonder why?

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Yup, I drove through Michigan to Minnesota!

I spent last week in Michigan with Sunil's parents. It was a chill week, although I decided that I needed to strip the wallpaper off the bathroom wall and repaint for Ma. It was a ton of work, but really rewarding. Here are some pics of her helping, as well as the after pictures.

Trixie and I had a nice time. We enjoyed the time with our Indian family!

On our way to Minnesota from Michigan I decided to take the Lake-Express Ferry which took us from Muskegon, MI to Milwaukee, WI. It was a 2.5 hour trip and fantastic! We parked the car, Trixie got a kennel and I went upstairs to a comfy seat and took an hour long nap. It broke up the trip nicely and helped me avoid Chicago and all its traffic!

We are waiting for the ferry to dock so we can drive our cars on.

A view from the ferry while we left Muskegan.