Thursday, February 11, 2010

Terrible Three days

Have you ever felt like your skin is on fire? Burning from the inside out? Flailing and gnashing of teeth. Nothing comforts, every position hurts. No, its actually not something from the old testament, it is what Sunil has been going through. I can't even explain the moans that have come out of his body. Heart wrenching moans of pain and all he can say is "my skin is burning, my skin is burning." He was on 30mg of Oxycontin, 5 Mg of Oxycodone, 1000mg of Tylenol, 4 mg decadron and that wasn't helping because the problem is his nerves. I schlepped through the blizzard just as the pharmacy was closing to get two more drugs. Luckily and Divinely he was able to sleep last night for a good chunk, about midnight to 5am. So we both got some rest. I think it was the Neurontin which is suppose to be a sedative/calmer as well nerve pain reliever. His nurse just came by and upped the Nuerontin so he just took another one. The decadron must be taking down some swelling because Ada the nurse just asked if he was in pain and he said NO! HALLELUJAH!

I'm sorry if I'm burdening the reader with what is going on. It's hard being at this end of the blog. I want to let people know what is happening, yet, the positive comedic Mandi side of me wants to sugar coat and make it seem like things are getting better. I do that because I think that if I believe it, then it will become the truth. If I admit that there is an issue, than the issue becomes reality and I can't deal with reality very well. Hence the comedy. The best way to shun reality.

I'm still holding out hope that there is a way that Sunil can be healed. I've always had faith in God. I've always prayed. In situations like this it is very hard to see God. Sunil and I prayed last night in the midst of his pain to try to relieve it and hopefully just calm our spirits because we were both getting worked up over not being able to make the pain go away. In this situation, I just wanted to see instant relief. I wanted to see Sunil's pain go away. When it didn't, how do you keep having faith? Faith through the pain? I'm not wavering in my belief in God, I'm just posing the question. I don't see what happens in the background. In the spiritual realm there could be a gigantic battle going on. At least I would like to think so. Even if I don't see an instant result I have to have faith that God has not forsaken us and that something bigger is in the works. :)

I just have to face the fact that Sunil's disease is increasing and his health is declining and that is a reality I can't hide from with comedy. Crap.

It was a blizzard in NYC yesterday. I will leave you with pics of Trixie out in the patio running around. So cute!

1 comment:

nickiskenzich said...

Oh sweetie...have full confidence that a spiritual battle is in full force, just as Sunil is in a battle physically. There are people all over the world praying for you both...I know that doesn't give the comfort you want it to as you watch him hurt and suffer but know that we are all fighting with you and for you when you're too tired.

Sending much love to you both...Nicki and Dustin